The
polygamous system in our societal settings has been one that is always greeted
with violence from co-wives, and sometimes their children.
It
has been in existence for many years.
Men
who marry two or more wives and shelter them in the same compound, sometimes
find it very hard to maintain peace between them, as the co-wives see each
other as rivals and competitors, competing to gain full control of their man
who is seen as a precious trophy that has to be won, at any cost.
In
acquiring the man’s favour, some women will resort to violence while others
choose cooking delicious meals and others seek spiritual help to keep the man
tied to their wrapper.
Those
who resort to violence may involve their children during the course of the
violence, and this was what happened in the case of Mariam who told me that
when she was a child, her step-mother who was much younger than her mother at
that time, used to beat up her mother like a child.
“My
childhood was not normal at all. While other children were busy playing and
laughing, I was sitting at home watching a young woman beating up my mother,
from the moment we wake up in the morning until we go to bed.
This
woman beats up my mother like someone beating up her child. My father was not
around, and we were the only ones at home.
She
controlled everything, including the living room and I and my mother were
restricted to a single room; and we are not allowed to sit in the living room
or watch the TV that was bought by my father.
Sometimes, I just keep on wondering why she
was doing it. Did my mother offend her every day, and did my father tell her to
beat up my mother?
The
fact was that this woman enjoyed doing what she did to my mother. There was a
day this woman put pepper inside the kettle; and my mother without knowing used
the water in the kettle when she used the rest-room; and my mother could not be
herself for a week.
So,
when I grew up into a lady, I thought that she will stop what she has been
doing, because I have grown up, but she was used to it, and she enjoyed it.
One
day, as I closed from school and approached my house, I saw people standing at
our gate. I rushed in and saw this woman holding a stick, while my mother was
in her bedroom and closed the door.
I
threw my bag down, removed my earrings, got down from my high heels and closed
our compound gate. I beat up this woman to my satisfaction; I tore her clothes,
and left her naked with a disfigured face.
She
then ran to the police station, and when the police came I told them that “this
woman took away the joy of childhood from me by beating up my mother every day;
so from this day onwards I will make her life a living hell; not for revenge,
but I want her to know how it feels to be beaten by someone who is more
powerful than you are.”
She
was much younger, that was why she had the power to beat up my mother; well, now
the tables have turned, and it is my turn to beat her up.”
What
a story from Mariam, and people always say that a child never forgets about
anything that is done to him or her, and that was the case with Mariam.
Polygamy
is a religious obligation, and if a man can afford to feed, shelter, and be
fair and just between the wives then he qualified; but in this 21st century,
men sometimes lose control of things, which leads to co-wives being rivals
instead of friends.
Woman
to woman violence should be something that women should desist from. A man who
paid your bride price and paid someone else’s bride price, and brings the two
of you together as one big family, irrespective of the different homes and
backgrounds that you came from, has nothing more than a good intention for you
both, and the least you could do is to see each other as sisters and friends.
There
are co-wives who fight every day, not because they hate each other or they are
fighting to gain control of the man, but because each of them have friends in
the neighbourhood that will tell them things to turn them against each other.
The
societies in which we live also contribute negatively in the animosity between
co-wives.
Husbands
also play a role in this, because if the first wife cooks a delicious meal
containing cow meat, and while you are eating you are saying negative things
about the second wife; this will make the first wife show off in front of the
second wife that their husband loves only her, and that will lead to violence
which will not be good for the children.
If
a child grows up seeing her mother quarrelling and fighting all the time, she
may think it is a normal thing.
In
my neighbourhood, there live a man whose wives are always quarrelling and they
are the first to wake up everyone; and it so happens that the second wife is
the trouble-maker, and the more powerful.
So,
one day, when they started quarrelling, the second wife lifted up the first
wife and went up to the well in the compound and said she will throw her in the
well; then people started shouting.
After
that, the man decided to rent an apartment for the second wife to separate
them, so that he can have peace of mind, and it worked.
We
have seen co-wives assaulting each other very badly, and neighbours see it as a
normal fight between co-wives which needs no legal attention until when the
worst happens.
We
have also seen and heard co-wives turning each other into inhuman creatures.
While others with the help of a marabout invoke mysterious sicknesses on each
other, all in the name of being rivals.
Being
rivals as co-wives is expensive, but living in peace as sisters costs nothing!
Let
men try their best to maintain peace at any cost between their wives, and let
women embrace each other and accept each other as sisters; for the sake of
their children and for their man to live longer. Let society not treat violence
as a private family matter, but a matter of public interest that needs a
remedy.
